5 Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Those of Us Who Are Unhinged

Hello and welcome, it’s the most terrible time of the
year!

If the romantic industrial complex and
partnership normativity
has you down in the dumps this
Valentine’s Day season, then fret not, dear hearts. In lieu of
going
out to a dinner
that is thick with unnecessary expectations as
impressed upon you by completely arbitrary societal standards, I
have hatched a list of sweet, sweet alternatives for you to
celebrate the love you have for yourself. Or Beethoven. Or
cheesecake. These can be done alone or with partners or in an
orgy.

Let’s get cooking.

Mezcalentines Day

Hey, it’s “Mezcalentine’s Day”! This holiday requires
that you, on your way home from work, grab a bottle of mid-range
Mezcal from your local liquor store where the owner knows you’ll
always bring up the weather at checkout and is consistently not
interested. At least it’s not my IBS, Bob! You will then proceed
to the market to grab one grapefruit, one lime, a bottle of agave
nectar, and some soda water. You will make yourself a
Paloma
at home, and you will dip the rim of your glass in salt
and secure it with a lime wedge because you’re full of life and
we do it right on Mezcalentine’s Day. Put on your favorite
Mexican film of choice, like the iconic Roma or Y Tu Mama Tambien
and attempt to keep your pants on.

Banalentine’s day

“Banalentine’s Day” is–shockingly–every single day for
me, but this right here is an occasion to really lean in! Start
your morning with a completely unexceptional breakfast like
scrambled eggs–no salt–and go to work with the intention of
doing your routine tasks in the least creative way possible.
Actually just disassociate until you return home. There, you can
unwind with a Natural Light beer whilst watching The Big Bang
Theory. At the stroke of midnight, take your top off.

Calentine’s Day

For those of us who aren’t Gyan
Yankovich
, “Calentine’s Day” is the day to get your
iCal/Google Cal in order–I don’t discriminate on the tool!
Unless you use Outlook…messy. Anyway, Grandma’s birthday? Drop
it in. Friendly hangs you forgot about right after you made ‘em?
Dig up those texts. Currently dating? Reserve time during the week
for it so you don’t cancel every time it feels “too
unplanned” (I see you!) End the night by burning the forgotten
bundle of sage that’s been sitting in your nightstand for over
two years in order to purge disorganized energy. Lights out at 9:30
p.m.

Pastoral-entine’s Day

This one is for the real freak-on-a-leash. For
Pastoral-entine’s Day, come home from work and immediately put
Beethoven’s “Pastoral Symphony” (No. 6) on the speakers.
Then, fix up Beethoven’s favorite meal, which apparently was

pollock with potatoes
and a glass of Austrian wine.
Honestly…it could be worse for early 19th century Vienna. After
eating said meal, take a Tum and put on noise-canceling headphones
and record your attempt to sing the tune of “Für Elise.” If
you get more than 50% of the notes right, then congratulations!
You’re basically Beethoven. Wrap up the evening with a viewing of
the truly mediocre Immortal Beloved starring Gary Oldman and
Isabella Rosselini, with permission to pass out from
pollock-and-potato-induced fatigue around the halfway point.

Moralentine’s Day

When I tell you that I am, in fact, participating in this exact
V-Day alternative, you had better believe it. If your morale, like
my own lately, has suffered from the slings and arrows of life and
love, here are a few ways to provide it with a booster seat:

1. Take 15 minutes to look at photos from high school to remind
yourself how far you’ve come. Those two sets of braces don’t
define you anymore! You’ve bloomed like a peony!

2. Take yourself out to dinner and bring a book you just
started. Note: The book has to be funny. If you’re me, you’re
at a French restaurant ordering coq au vin with a glass of Bordeaux
and the book is Mostly Dead
Things
by Kristen Arnett. Dessert is non-optional, do not
insult me.

3. Come home and watch/RE-watch Cheer.

4. Write a list in your journal–I’m not kidding here, you
must–of things you admire about yourself in one column, then in
another, a list of the ways you plan to act on those traits in the
coming month, either for yourself or for others.

5. Set a mandatory late-night appointment with your
vibrator.

Here’s hoping that one of the above provides a creative
alternative to the usual Valentine’s Day–and dare I mention,
Galentine’s Day–fare. If none of them strike your fancy, feel
free to stick a square peg in a round hole with options like
“Cheesecakentine’s Day,” in which you order and sample one
slice of every
cheesecake from the Factory
(you know the factory of which I
speak), or “Patrick Swayzentine’s Day,” in which you marathon
every Patrick Swayze movie, saving Point Break for very last, and a
have deadline to sign up for ceramics classes in your area by
midnight.

Photos by Alexis Jesup of Colors Collective.
Prop Styling by Rose Kennedy.

The post
5 Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Those of Us Who Are
Unhinged
appeared first on Man Repeller.

Source: FS – NY Fashion
5 Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Those of Us Who Are Unhinged